As an adult, I always thought I was average-looking at best. I’ve been told many times since I was young that I’m ugly. My aunts told me my lips were too big, and that my sister had gorgeous thin lips with a perfect cupid’s bow. So I spent the rest of my life believing my lips were ugly.

When I was 12 years old, a boy took my photo from MySpace and posted it on his Xanga. He wrote that I was the ugliest girl in the entire school—and that this other chick in his class was the hottest and would grow up to be a model. I reported it to the school administration, and he took it down. This was the first case of cyberbullying the school had ever dealt with. It was 2007—cyberbullying wasn’t really a thing back then.

I’ve had acne since I was 11 and have always struggled with it. I remember trying everything: Proactiv, Neutrogena face wash, professional facials that my mom paid $60/week for, bird’s nest soup, Chinese herbal medicine. Nothing ever worked.

The worst day of my life was when I was 13, during graduation photo week. I had braces and had just gotten all four wisdom teeth removed. My face swelled up like a chipmunk. On top of that, I had one of my worst breakouts ever—a large cyst that popped and formed a ¼-inch scab right on my nose. When the yearbooks came out, people laughed and snickered at my photo. It really hurt. After that, I didn’t want my photo taken—ever. I’ve been self-conscious about photos ever since. And when I did take one, I wanted it drastically retouched to remove any trace of acne.

When I launched my YouTube channel at 24, I started wearing makeup, but had no idea what looked good on me. I’d go to CVS or Walgreens and pick up random $5 lip glosses because I didn’t know what colors suited me. I wore one in a video, and someone commented, “your lip gloss be poppin.” I suddenly remembered what my aunt said about my lips being ugly—and I felt self-conscious all over again.

That comment was the push that made me want to take private makeup lessons at 26. I needed a professional to tell me what colors, applications, and techniques would look nice on me—especially on my lips.

When I went to my first lesson with Katrina Hess, a professional makeup artist in Boston (https://www.katrinahess.com), she told me to wash my face, exfoliate my lips, and come back to her chair. When I sat down, she looked at me and said, “I had no idea you were so beautiful. You’re absolutely gorgeous.” I thought she was out of her mind. She said I was beautiful like Audrey Hepburn. I told her she must be kidding. In my mind, I thought—well, I’m paying her several hundred dollars, maybe part of her job is to boost my confidence, right? If I walk out of there feeling ugly, I wouldn’t be a happy client.

Then I wrote The 5-Day Job Search and needed a headshot. I booked a session with celebrity photographer Peter Hurley in New York. Celebrity makeup artist Luis Duque did my hair and makeup for the shoot. As Luis was finishing up, Peter walked into the room and shouted, “I had no idea you were so gorgeous! My god, you are beautiful!” I was looking in the mirror, not at him, so I assumed he was on the phone. But he kept repeating it. I finally asked, “Are you talking to me?” He said, “Of course I’m talking to you! You’re stunning!”

I thought this had to be a joke. He’s a photographer. Hyping me up is part of his job. I turned to Luis and asked, “He says this to everyone, right? That’s just how he gets people to smile for the camera?” Luis shook his head: “No… Annie, you are actually very beautiful. You don’t even need makeup. You could walk out with just mascara and lipstick and you’d be stunning.”

Peter added that he doesn’t compliment people unless he truly means it. He said he photographs unattractive people all the time and has to work hard to find their best angles. He only says someone is beautiful when he genuinely sees it.

After the shoot, I told my employee Heritage about the experience. She said, “You are beautiful. Actually, most of your YouTube viewers are male. Some people literally just watch your videos because they think you’re pretty.”

The final nail in the coffin? I enrolled in modeling school at age 30—not because I wanted to become a model, but because I wanted to give speeches about The 5-Day Job Search and learn how to walk into a room wearing heels, power walk with confidence, and own the space. My modeling coach told me I was beautiful—and called me a walking clothes hanger. She said everything I wear looks good on me.

So basically, my whole life I believed I was ugly, or at best, average-looking even with makeup. But industry professionals—people whose job it is to know what beauty looks like—were the ones telling me I was beautiful. They work in this field. They must know what they’re talking about, right?

That’s why I’m documenting this modeling journey now. I want to undo and disprove all the social conditioning I grew up with. I want to test whether everything I’ve been told about myself was actually a lie. So follow along and see how this turns out.